Would you poison my elixir of life?

That’s what the Dew Pirate did.

Now. There’s three things wrong with this.

1. You do NOT poison someone’s Mountain Dew. That’s immoral.
2. Haven’t we all seen enough sitcoms to know that when you lie about your role in a play, something will happen and your family will find out?
3. If my sources are correct, bleach reacts with the carbonation in Mountain Dew to be untraceable. This means there was no indicative forensic evidence.

I don’t condone trying to poison people through Mountain Dew, but if you’re going to be a criminal, at least be an intelligent one, please.

Her combination of using a holy drink to poison, her inattention in Chemistry, and her apparent habit of drinking bleach give us our final product: Swabbie McClorox

GILF: Boobs of Steel

     If you’re an armed robber and you crash in front of a business being managed by Iris Davis, it’s probably not a good idea to hang around.

     Getting your ass kicked is embarrassing. I should know. (I got punched in 5th grade… by a girl. From that point forward I buried the “I’m not gonna hit a girl” idea. I’ve always wanted a rematch.) But apparently I was quite lucky. I could have had the shit kicked out of me by a 62 year old Grandmother.

     Iris Davis was surprised Wednesday morning when she heard a car accident outside her business. She finished up her hormone injection and then punched her first alert bracelet to call for police and medical help. As she hobbled to the front windows of her Plastic Surgery and Fitness Gym for the Elderly, she was shocked to find the police were already on the scene.

     “That’s when I noticed those young whippersnappers were carrying guns and bazookas. I couldn’t let them get away so I pulled out some guns of my own” she said as she rolled up her sleeves. Iris recalls flying out the door to confront one of the criminals. When she noticed that the young urban youth was mesmerized by her gigantically huge and bulging… um… assets, she took advantage of the situation and grabbed his head, forcing it between her breasts. She used her muscular chest to subdue the criminal while the police swarmed the lustful pervert and beat him unconscious with their nightsticks. “I can crack walnuts with these things,” she stated.

     We bet you can Iris. We also bet you could crack coconuts, boulders, and various sized bank vaults if you wanted too. To us you are a real-life super hero screaming for spandex. You are the milk in our cereal. You are the one we’d cling to if our ship was sinking. You can bake me cookies anytime…. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Alertnet

     Don’t let the looks of Ahmed Abu Dayya fool you. He’s one smart customer… or more accurately businessman. You see, Mr Abu Dayya has been raking in the cash these past few weeks. He is the owner of the busy PLO Flag and Chicken Shop located in Gaza City and his business has been skyrocketing. Besides his choked chickens, his best-sellers are the very “hard-to-find” Danish and Norwegian flags presoaked in lighter fluid.

     When the wave of violence erupted last week over cartoons depicting Mohammad in less than favorable situations, Ahmed rushed to order 100 Danish and Norwegian flags from each of the countries small gift shops. The sales of these flags have beat out his previous best seller: Israel’s Star of David Flag. When asked about the sale of these flags he stated, “It is all business.” He then promptly added, “It’s amazing how many Danish and Norwegian nationals we have in this area. I wish my fellow Palestinians were as patriotic.”

     Ahmed insists that his ingenious business skills are just beginning to blossom. He even showed me his next product: Suicide Bomber Chickens. He claims that this idea is really going to catch on and could save many Palestinian lives. He’s put these chickens on display next to his flag collection in hopes to garner more business. “There’s only one problem I’ve had with the chickens so far” he comments. “I still can’t get them to cross the road.”