Random Stupidity from the American Decency Organization.

This shit’s gotten out of hand.

Why is it that everytime something comes out that someone doesn’t like, they feel the need to censure it?

I’m going to try to get this idea across to the masses, and I hope at least one random person finds truth in this and takes it as their personal goal.

We live in a (false) Free-Market Economy.

NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOUR OPINION. Don’t like what the New York Post wrote this week? Don’t tell me about it. I’ll punch you in the face.

The check on the items in a free market economy is that if enough people don’t like something, it will go away on its own. That’s how it works. No government involvement, no overzealous right-wing (or left-wing) crackpot organizations. It’s your money companies care about, not your opinion

And, if enough people like something to continue buying it, then STFU™. Continue voting with your money and stop preaching to the world about what it should like.

if you don’t like porn, don’t watch it. If you don’t like the TV show that’s on, change the channel — there’s only 85000 channels to watch. By doing that, you remove yourself as a subscriber or no longer generate advertising revenue for the company. If it’s bad enough, the action you want will happen.

It’s how The Market™ works!

note:This was supposed to be my Pirate of the Week, but I’m filled with rage at the moment and anything would be a rant anyways. I’ll try to find a douchebag worthy of the PotW later on today and attempt to humour it up.

We guys try to be as polite as possible. Why not. We don’t want the ladies to think we’re still in the stone-age. But every now and again we have to keep them on their toes. You know, throw them the ole curve ball! In honor of being male and stupid, I present to you our first ever “I’d Hit It” post. So without further ado:

I’D HIT IT!

Here’s a story from “The Smoking Gun”. 25 strippers were arrested and charged with “cocaine peddling, prostitution, lewdness, exposure of sexual organs, and the improper solicitation of alcohol sales.” Right now these ladies must feel pretty bad about their current situation, so I decided I’d try to lift their spirits by creating this post in their honor. Here’s the plan: Browse through the pictures and find one (or two) of these ladies that you’d most likely… um… have sex with.

(DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT SAYING I WOULD ACTUALLY “HIT IT”. I AM SAYING THAT ONE OF THESE “TALENTED” WOMEN WOULD BE THE ONE I WOULD CHOOSE IF I WAS FORCED TO PICK WHO WOULD BE MY SEX SLAVE IN A FANTASY WORLD. AFTER THIS CHOICE I WOULD MAKE THEM SIGN A CONTRACT MUCH LIKE THIS ONE! GBD FTW)

So, if I HAD to choose…

And the winner is…

NUMBER 2! Congratulations! It was a close race with number 21, but the neck strap on number 2 does it for me. What can I say? I was so impressed by that neck strap that I even drew you a picture:

Now it’s comment time! PICK your POISON! Ladies, feel free to join in the fun… it’s kinkier like that!

http://strokinwank.ytmnd.com/

OMG HILLARIOUS!

Morning!

I hope everyone had a great weekend. It appears that some of our World of Warcraft guild members were affected by the HUGE snowstorm that hit the Northeast. By huge I mean it barely even flurried. CRY MORE NOOBS! We hope everything is alright and be sure to take pictures of the snow. Some of us rarely see the white stuff. (So many joke possibilities there.)

Sorry I wasn’t online much this weekend. Very busy. Doesn’t look like there will be much time next weekend either. I’m having some visitors. Such is life I suppose. Maybe I’ll stay up late again and get Sivart a level.

Spent what little time I did have free giving Eve Online a shot. Here’s a quick rundown of the game:

1) Acquiring the game:

This part was fairly easy. I knew there were some free trial accounts available, but found that Eve’s main website was not longer giving them out. I typed in “Free EVE Online Trial account” and found one easily. You download the client and install the game. From there, you are sent a activation key via email. I decided not to activate it immediately because I wanted to have an hour of two to play it at one time. That turned out to be a good decision on my part. The activation key is entered in a website and you can start playing. If your looking for a boxed copy of the game, I’m sad to say they no longer sell them here in the States. When the game first was released it was a buggy mess. Not too many people stuck through it. Now they are growing and getting popular, they have digital downloads. Just FYI.

SCORE: 9 out of 10

2) Gathering information on the game:

Eve’s main website (www.eve-online.com) is full of useful information. Since you are not “buying a box” of the game, I’d make sure you visited the site to get your bearings. I found a lot of useful information there that helped me as I started the game. The message-board is full of useful information as well. Until you are registered, you are not allowed to post. I found that a little annoying, but I’m not sure I blame them. The forum community is VERY helpful and many people post different strategies on how to make money and where to start missions. If you are interested in playing the game, make sure you head to the site first.

SCORE: 10 out of 10

3) Character creation:

I spent about and hour creating the look of my character. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it is one of the best and most detailed systems I have ever seen. My wife watched me for about 20 minutes and I toyed with the system and thought it was pretty cool. You can make them look as kind or as evil as you can imagine. It is basically divided into 3 sections: Facial structure, Upper body aesthetics, and Background and Lighting. With your facial structure options, you are able to mold how your jaw, skull shape, head direction, and eye position and direction. With upper body aesthetics, you are able to control hair and color, eye color, decals (which are quite interesting), clothing, and your character’s eyebrows. With the background and lighting aspect, you are able to choose from around 30 backgrounds and 10-15 different lighting angles to change how your character appears. It was pretty amazing how much changing the lighting made a difference. I also just realized that the lighting would change color depending on where you placed it. Finally, you are able to change the angle of the camera to get many different “poses” of your character. By turning his head to the side and keeping his eyes forward, I was able to make some pretty creepy characters. I choose a pretty tame one however. The dark lighting made me feel he was hiding something. Role-playing 4tw. Sadly, after you have created your kick ass character, the only time you see him is in portrait form as your avatar. You don’t see him jumping around the world like you would World of Warcraft characters. Due to the fact that you never see your character again except for his picture, I can’t give it a 10 or a 9. I just felt cheated.

SCORE: 8 out of 10

4) Beginning and Tutorial:

There isn’t a cutscene to the game. You begin in a hanger of sorts in your POD. A pod is a gel-filled capsule that you are encased in to keep you alive in space. As the game starts, you are introduced to your environment via a female voice that starts the tutorial. Where most games give you little popup windows to explain how the game works, this game gives you a full-fledged voiced tutorial. And the tutorial is LOOOOOOOONG! I’d say from start to finish gets close to 2 hours. You can stop the tutorial at anytime, but I found it very informative. There is no way I could have figured 1/2 the stuff out without it. (I found it humorous how many people in the “noob” help channel were asking questions that the tutorial clearly answered. Lazy bums.) I said that you could stop at anytime, but you can also leave it paused. If you want to try some more stuff other than what it says to do, just do it. As long as you go back to the place where you left off, the tutorial will pick back up. VERY cool. When you start the game, you are placed in 3 chat channels: Local (chat within a solar system), Corp (where you can talk and be recruited into a corp; i.e. guild), and New Player Help. Each channel is pretty informative. I found noob channel very annoying at times though. Lots of chatter.

The game starts you with a noob ship that’s good for the beginning tutorial and quest system. It is pretty slow with little cargo space. I’ve had it for some time now because it takes a little cash to buy an upgraded ship. It also takes skill. More on that later.

SCORE: 10/10

5) Gameplay and Interface:

Even though Eve is a space simulation (it is almost more of an economic simulation), you control your ship with your keyboard and mouse. In other words, THERE IS NO JOYSTICK OPTION. None… at all. So, try to imagine a space sim without one. I got a new joystick for Christmas and really wanted to give it a go. Sadly, Eve isn’t created with that in mind. You see, where games like Mechwarrior, Counter-Strike, Doom3, Unreal Tournament, and Battlefield 2 are twitched based, Eve was created to be something completely opposite. It is a “Thinking Man’s” game. From my experience, there are times when fast reflexes will pay off, but there is no cross-hairs to aim with or ziggin and zaggin. It’s a point and click affair. If you skip the tutorial, the UI will scare you. It is massive in the sense that there are a LOT of options present on the screen. If you have no idea what they do, you’ll get easily confused. Even with the tutorial’s help, I hit a lot of wrong buttons before I got the right one. The good news is that the UI (User Interface by the way) is very customizable. You are able to move chat boxes, inventory (or cargo) boxes, and the like. I really found this helpful.

Now the game-play. It isn’t as slow as watching grass grow… but it’s close. Since I had read up on the game, I knew what I was getting into. I thought they were joking about setting waypoints, popping on Auto Pilot, and reading a book or cleaning house. That was until I actually did both yesterday. So far, when you first get past the tutorial and start doing missions, there are a lot of courier missions. Go here, drop this off, la la la. The more you got into the missions, the further the locations were away from where you were. Luckily the UI allows you to right click on almost any destination and “set as waypoint”. This allowed me to quickly plot a course and turn Auto Pilot on. I then took out the garbage, cleaned up some clothes, and read a few chapters in my book (during the whole playtime that is. Not just one trip.)

But don’t let that scare you off. The complexity of this game is pretty amazing. It has it’s own economy where people’s buying and selling in different sections of the universe affects prices everywhere. If one place has a higher demand, you’ll get more money for the items you’re selling. And most of the stuff you sell goes to real players. Let’s say you want to become rich so you set out to mine. You take your ship (equipped with a mining laser) to a local asteroid field. There are many things to mine so you’re usually not going to have to fight people over minerals. You mine and mine and mine until your cargo hold is full and you head back to the station. You sell and make the big bucks. To make traveling easier and safer (I’m about to get to that), you are able to set “bookmarks” in each solar system you are in. If you set one to a spacestation and another one at the asteroid belt you want to mine, you can easily right click in space and choose “warp to location”. The ship’s auto-pilot kicks in and you’ll be taken there. Once out of warp, you’ll be able to mine to your heart’s desire. Mining is where you can make money. It’s just tedious. Another way to make money (which I haven’t even begun to figure out) is by creating blueprints and building ships. That’s usually where all your ore is going. People need ore to build ships! You can be a trader (buy low, travel, and sell high). You can be a pirate (attacking anyone you want and looting their cargo hold). Which brings me to… safety.

Eve online is pure PVP. Anyone can attack another person at whim. Sounds harsh huh? Well CCP (creators) are way ahead of you! They have created a pretty cool safety net for newer players or those not wanting to get blown out of the sky(?). The Universe is HUGE. There are “5000″ systems to explore. Yeah, it’s that big. Each system you visit has a security rating. it goes from 1.0 to 0.0. In systems from 0.5 - 1.0 you are relatively safe. The closer to 0.5 the less quick the galaxy police are to respond. (Guess their out eating Star Wars Burrito Donuts.) So the big bad security force keeps pirates out of the system and other players from attacking you. Once you start dipping into 0.4 and below, you’re on your own. Funny how the further into insecure space, the better the rewards for mining and such. Just the way it is. The safe area is about 25% of the game so there are a LOT of areas to explore. Here’s an example of how PVP works in the secure areas: Yesterday I was mining away. I noticed a few cargo containers floating around in space. I flew over to one and opened it. Some ore! Woot. I went to loot it and got a warning telling me that I was about to “steal” this ore from another player. So you can keep ore floating around. Cool. Well I didn’t have the guts to take it. I’m a wuss, but I didn’t want the damn Galaxy Guards of Doom to rip into me. Stealing is bad right? So I float over to an asteroid and start mining. I’m not sure what exactly I did, but another player started opening fire on me. WTF? My shields started going down and I wasn’t sure what I should do. I decided that I didn’t like being picked on, so I returned fire and killed him pretty quickly. EAT THAT FLY BOY! I looked at the top of the screen and it said I have 10 minutes until Whatever his name can’t attack me again. Apparently I was attack flagged. Apparently I did something that allowed me to be attacked. Because space stations are safe zones, I docked and waited for my flag to disappear and went on my way. Once again, I’m a wuss.

So how do you stay safe in dangerous space? Corporations my friend. Corporations are a type of guild. Once you are apart of it, fellow corp members can’t attack you so that’s someone who won’t attack you. Also, you’ll have more people to fly with and there are safety in numbers. Corporations allow CEOs to create an atmosphere where each member can play a part. Like to mine? Do it for the corporation! You’ll get paid. Like to fly a HUGE cargo ship? Get certified and fly that puppy! Wanna be a fighter pilot? There’s always room for escort ships! However many things can destroy a corporation. Greed, sabotage, anger, and stupidity are just a few. Some corporations are so large that they are able to claim sectors of space! If you’re not in their corp and you’re in their space… it’s not pretty. Corps also can declare war on each other flagging the warring corp members PVP no matter what zone you’re in. Police won’t interfere. I hear it’s hard to get into a good corp because everyone is paranoid. There are been too many accounts of agents from another corp getting into the fold of a rival corp and totally destroying the thing. Some even waited months and months just to earn trust and stab them in the back. I’m not sure I’ll be in a corp ANY time soon. Oh well, gives me more time to make the $$.

Finally, let’s talk about levels and such. Back in 1997, Ultima Online was the MMO to play. It didn’t have a level system at all. It was skill based. The more you used a skill the better you got at it. It really worked well, but it was abusable. CCP created a pretty awesome advancement system. Like UO before it, Eve has no levels. Each player starts with base skills. Depending on what you choose in character creation, you have a little head start on some skills, but nothing too major. To learn a new skill, you go to your character sheet and then to your skill tab. Right click on a skill and tell it to train. You’ll notice a timer on the skill. This is how long it will take you to figure out how to upgrade your skill. Most games require a LOT of time to level or get high skills. CCP decided to do things differently. Once you select a skill and it begins, you can log off the game. I’m at work, but right now, I’m learning how to use Drones better! When I get home, I’ll be able to pick up another skill. Oh, you can only train one skill at a time. It’s still a pretty cool system. It appears that the higher you get in skill the longer it will take you to learn. I went from an 8 hour skill time to a 2 day skill time on another one. =( It’s just time. The only problem with leveling skill and not being online is available funds for the ships and other items better skills unlock. So… let’s get to the score.

SCORE: 9 out of 10

I’m out of time, but I’ll come back to add more information when I can. Who knows, by this time tomorrow, I have have turned into a pirate ship killa! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

KittenKiller

Let’s help morons.

I almost don’t know what to say to this.

We already have a term to describe the complex series of events that occur from mouth-breathers walking across the street without looking:

SURVIVAL OF THE FUCKING FITTEST!

If you’re so stupid, so completely retarded that you have to HEAR A CAR COMING before you look? You deserve to be hit by that car and every other car following it.

I do have some sympathy for the blind. But seriously, if you’re blind, and you LISTEN to see if it’s safe to cross the street, then you’re just asking to get hit by some asshole in a jacked-up bigwheel speeding down the road to nail you anyways.

The girlfriend and I have discussed this, and since there are relatively inexpensive models of hybrids, our next car (when one of ours bites the big one, touch wood) will probably be hybrid. We’re not tree-huggers, but we do appreciate the need for conservation of non-renewable resources and the exploration of alternative sources of power. But now that I see I can take down people who should be nominated for Darwin Awards with them?

Hells yes.

Alertnet

     Don’t let the looks of Ahmed Abu Dayya fool you. He’s one smart customer… or more accurately businessman. You see, Mr Abu Dayya has been raking in the cash these past few weeks. He is the owner of the busy PLO Flag and Chicken Shop located in Gaza City and his business has been skyrocketing. Besides his choked chickens, his best-sellers are the very “hard-to-find” Danish and Norwegian flags presoaked in lighter fluid.

     When the wave of violence erupted last week over cartoons depicting Mohammad in less than favorable situations, Ahmed rushed to order 100 Danish and Norwegian flags from each of the countries small gift shops. The sales of these flags have beat out his previous best seller: Israel’s Star of David Flag. When asked about the sale of these flags he stated, “It is all business.” He then promptly added, “It’s amazing how many Danish and Norwegian nationals we have in this area. I wish my fellow Palestinians were as patriotic.”

     Ahmed insists that his ingenious business skills are just beginning to blossom. He even showed me his next product: Suicide Bomber Chickens. He claims that this idea is really going to catch on and could save many Palestinian lives. He’s put these chickens on display next to his flag collection in hopes to garner more business. “There’s only one problem I’ve had with the chickens so far” he comments. “I still can’t get them to cross the road.”

Because I’m a huge moron, I just realized that the address I’ve been using (foampirates@foampirates.com) doesn’t exist. I’ve gone and changed the links to the correct one (feedback@foampirates.com). If you’ve sent anything to the former address, please send to the latter.

Because the former doesn’t exist.

So your e-mail went to /dev/null

Sorry.

While KK and I decided it would be a giant hassle and FP-drama-in-the-making to open up posting to every Tom, Dick, and Hariette that comes by, in the interest of having a more open forum, please contact us at feedback@foampirates.com if there’s a topic you would like to have discussed and we will do our best to have it up shortly.

Peace out.

This was too good to pass up.

By now you’ve heard of Brokeback Mountain. Gay cowboy movie. Well, some students from Emerson College put together another secretly gay cowboy movie. I think I’ll watch this one again since it’s so culturally indicative of today’s social climate.

Enjoy,

KK

SWG is so FUBAR.

There have been rumors for months (years?) now claiming that LA (Lucas Arts) will be taking full control of SWG (Star Wars Galaxies) from SOE (Sony Online Entertainment). Wow, it never really occurred to me how lazy we gamers are. I mean, instead of saying Lucas Arts, we throw out LA. I always when people would use abbreviations instead of the whole word for things. KOTOR2 biaches!

Maybe I should go back and redo that first sentence… nah. I’m freaking lazy too!

Tons of “fun stuff” has been going on in the game since I decided to leave it (NGE and CU - ABBREVIATIONS 4tw) and it appears that people are flocking away from this game like it was a transvestite hooker in a short skirt. I just happened to be reading over at the Eve Online forums and there is a LONG thread from people leaving SWG and giving Eve a shot. Because of this POS game is doing so poorly, LA sent out a questionnaire to many of the people still wearing their Luke Skywalker undies. Because they asked questions that alluded to the fact that THEY may roll back the game to PRE-NGE status, a lot of people are clamoring! So… In honor of Ewoks everywhere, I have been asked to write a play that will express the emotional depth and ultimate truth behind Star Wars Galaxies.

Here’s the beginning of the first act:

————————————————————————————————————

*Somewhere on some ranch*

Supreme Pooba: I love Star Wars… muhahaha. It is the only thing I have ever contributed to society, but it makes me so rich! Who would have thought a Space Western would be so popular? muhahaha. By the way, did you all know I’m rich?

Lucas Arts Peon: Mr. Lucas…

Supreme Pooba: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ALL TO CALL ME?

Lucas Arts Peon: SUPREME POOBA SIR!

Supreme Pooba: Damn straight! The Force is not with you “Person whose name I never cared to learn” *brandishes plastic neon green light-saber and makes a batting motion in the air* Now, you’re fired!

Lucas Arts Peon #2: Supreme Pooba, sir!

Supreme Pooba: You have 2 minutes of my time. What is it?

Lucas Arts Peon #2: SOE is on line 1. They want to talk to you about the possibility of making the Star Wars Universe into an MMORPG. Can you talk to them?

Supreme Pooba: Let me finish this burrito… *picks up phone and burps loudly* Yes…?

SOE developer: Mr. Lucas…

Supreme Pooba: You’re FI… Hmmm. You don’t work for me do you?

SOE developer: Not yet sir. Actually, that is what I’m calling for.

Supreme Pooba: Call me Supreme Pooba. So what is it? you want to defect to the dark side? Think I’ll hire you because you’ve got a few games under your belt? Just because I have a level 75 Necromancer does not mean you even have a chance!!!! You bastard! I’ll not give you any of my wealth!!!11! YOU HEAR ME SOE MANWOMAN?

SOE developer: M… Supreme Pooba sir. I have an idea that will make you so much money! I mean, wipe your ass with $20s kind of rich!

Supreme Pooba: I’m already up to $100’s. But you’ve got my attention.

SOE developer: Well, as you mentioned, we’ve created some of the best selling MMOs ever and we were thinking that… maybe… Could we co-develop an MMO with you? We can call it Star Wars Wars!!! What do you think sir? We see a potential cash cow in the making.

Supreme Pooba: Wow… could you talk a little slower? All I got was: We think you do cows… And I assure you I’m a strickly goat person! What was that again?

SOE developer: SOE… and… Lucas Arts… make… MMO. Fanboys… cream… pants… grab… ankles. You… make… lots… of… $$$$$$$$$$$$!

Supreme Pooba: Make fanboys cream pants you say? Now you’ve got my full attention! Hmmm… I like cream donuts. Donut burritos! That’s a great IDEA! We’ll call it Star Wars BURRITO DONUTS! MMO FULL OF BURRITOS DONUTS! Can you make that happen?

SOE developer: Anything you want sir.

Supreme Pooba: Anything?? Meet me at my ranch tonight at 7:00 PM. Come dressed as an Ewok! *rubs nipples* I’ll make you a star!

SOE developer: Anything you… *cries silently* want sir.

Supreme Pooba: Well… that sounds like a good way for me to make money on my precccccioussssss. I have 3 conditions though.

SOE developer: Anything you want sir. *searches around his desk for his K-Y*

Supreme Pooba: Ok… First, No one from Lucas Arts will actually work on the project. Can’t afford to waste my money on something like that. In addition, SOE will have to pay me 10 Donut Burritos a day!

SOE developer: Anything you want sir. *Finds K-Y and begins to look-up numbers to costume shops*

Supreme Pooba: Goooooood! Say… Do you know the one thing I created in which I milk for all the money it’s worth?

SOE developer: Anything you want sir. Oh… American Graffiti?

Supreme Pooba: You’re too kind… but NO! STAR FUCKING WARS BIIIIIATCH! I’m like so FREAKING RICH! Back to my second demand! You have to charge all the FANBOYS money just to test the beta!

SOE developers: But sir… that’s never been done before. Do you think we can get away with that?

Supreme Pooba: THIS IS STAR FUCKING WARS! OF COURSE! I COULD PUT A STAR WARS STICKER ON A PIECE OF DOG CRAP AND IT’D SELL BILLIONS!

SOE developer: Anything you want sir.

Supreme Pooba: Gooooooood. And finally, pretend that you’re making a super secret system to become a Jedi. Make it all mysterious and crap… but in the end, just make it so that players have to master 12 “classes”… NO PROFESSIONS before they unlock that coveted “I’m uber” slot… NO FORCE SENSITIVE slot! That way, when you release… I mean we release the game, you don’t have to really be finished with that Jedi thing. You really won’t have that much time to be doing that anyway.

SOE developer: Ok. Anything you want sir. Just out of curiosity, why won’t we have time to work on the Jedi class?

Supreme Pooba: Because… I want all the SOE staff to come to my ranch EVERY NIGHT dressed as EWOKS for the next year! The goat thing is getting old.

SOE developer: *begins writing his will* Anything you want sir.

———————————————————————————————————

And there you have it. The reason SWG sucks… Ewok balls.

Funstuff,

KK